entertaining infinity

reboot

A few months ago, a medical thing that seemed innocuous suddenly unearthed something not so innocuous.  And with that, my attempted reboot with the 3-4 times weekly walks/posts stopped, and napping became my favorite pastime since my energy went into the crapper (don't you love the elegant language i use? didn't you MISS ME?).

Hell, I missed me.  I still sort-of miss me, because I'm still not all the way back ... but medical intervention is an amazing thing, and the outlook is good.  Every time I walk out of a doctor's office with a $40 co-pay, I'm grateful for my health insurance, and grateful it's only what it is (exhausting and annoying, yes ... but totally treatable), and not something more complicated and dangerous. 

And while the days become increasingly grayer and darker (my least favorite season is at the gate ...), I have been given the OK to exercise again.  And while the OK was for strolling, as opposed to kicking up the heart-rate sorts of walks and more vigorous workouts (no running up football stadium bleachers in my near future), perhaps the walk/photo thing will get a chance to take off again. But in the meantime, I wanted to say hi (hi), and see if I could kick up some momentum with this public writing thing. 

It amazes me that some peeps still stop by here to visit (a bi-weekly stat report gets emailed, but i hadn't looked at in months [i haven't been posting, so why bother?] ...) but I've been feeling the itch to write again and the other day, I opened the email and saw that I'm still averaging several views a day (huh?) ... so I figured I had me some insane loyal readers, or lots of people googling for 70's shampoo commercials (i get a lot of referrals from that search; go figure ...).

So hi you insane and loyal readers (thank you for your insane loyalty) ... with any luck, I'll be rewarding you for your crazy-love with a little more contact in the future.

And to you folks who stumbled here looking for links to "Gee Your Hair Smells Terrific" and "Body on Tap" and all those other luscious 70's shampoos and such, I'd hate to disappoint:

tug of war

Last weekend six year old Beaner-twin-girl commented on how weird the weather had been, saying that Spring and Winter were playing tug of war.  What a brilliant way to describe what's been going on here on the east coast.

In the last couple of days it seems that Winter has totally dropped out of the game, leaving Summer to take up the slack: it's been in the upper 80s for 3 days, and the weather gods say we're in for one more upper 80s day before Spring digs her feet in and pulls us back to 60-ish days.

And at the same time, as I watch my blog turn into a commentary on the weird Joisey end-of-first-quarter weather and not much else, I find myself in my own version of tug of war ... wondering what the hell I'm still doing here in blog-land. 

Recently a pretty regular reader asked me what purpose the blog served ... and while he qualified - asking if it was a means of connection ... an offshoot of the writing group and the back-burner-ed dream of solopreneurship ...  I couldn't help but wonder if it wasn't really a way of saying: Why the hell are you still doing it? 

But whatever the question was, my answer would probably be the same: Dunno. I've probably never really known, but most of the time the "why" didn't matter because I was having so much fun writing and linking and playing and saying whatever I felt like and having some people read and comment and play with me. Or not.

But I also go through these phases w/blogging - more in the last year or so - where I consider putting it down (giving it up) because it doesn't DO anything.  It's not building exposure for a business; my connections with fellow travelers on a creative playground are limited (and fading, cause the less i blog, the less i seem to check in on others blogs and the less they check in on me... ) and that seems to have made me more guarded about what I will and won't share here ... which dilutes the voice, which makes me less engaged (which makes you reader peeps less engaged, i'm sure ...) ... vicious circle (kvetch, kvetch, blahblahblah).

Perhaps the winter of my blog discontent and the glorious spring are having a tug of war.  I feel the push and pull more lately, but I'm digging my heels in; I don't know why, but it still feels like there's something here for me (and maybe for you loyal readers and lurkers too) ...? Maybe it's time for blog re-invention? ... less blahblahblahing? ... or a little more?  Dunno.  But I'm still in the game.

touching down (again)

Randomly tossed:

• This writer - who has written that there is no such thing as writers block - has been feeling uninspired (duh, last post was nearly 3 weeks ago ...).  Is this writer's block?  (oh, the cockiness ... oh the folly...)

• I finally saw the BBC's Pride & Prejudice; I totally get the Colin Firth/Darcy thing now.

• Daylight Saving starts Saturday ... not that I have been counting (for the last month and a half ... or maybe since we changed the clocks back in november ...).  Joisey (and almost the entire east coast) got hit with a big snow on Monday; it's been under 30 degrees for the last couple of days ... but on Sunday, it will be light until about 7; I've almost made it through another winter.  There is reason to celebrate.

• In a recent conversation with a friend about men/women and the curiousness of relationship, I wound up sharing two thoughts that she said every man and woman should know.  Far be it for me to withhold such potentially powerful information, so ...

A note for girls: It's panties, not underwear. (and don't just say it, wear 'em.  a little more "porn star" and a little less "granny comfort" will go over BIG.) (and just cause they're called panties, doesn't mean they have to be uncomfortable ...)  Trust me, he'll be grateful.

A note for the boys: You're right and you're not right.  Where you're right: a massage IS foreplay.  But where you're wrong: it might not be immediate foreplay.  (that may seem like an oxymoron ...)  If you give a good massage and she gets so syrupy that she falls asleep, you'll be thinking it was for naught.  It's not. Trust me, she'll be grateful.

(note to self: single now how long? what do you know?)

Fun sites:

• The creative process: art, music, theater all rolled into one at Sketch Theatre.  It is what it sounds like: artists are filmed (or at least their hands and their sketch pads are) while they create ... all set to music: Sketch Theatre.  (why theatRE as opposed to theatER?  are we fronch?)

• I'm lovin' this site: Fifty People/One Question.  Again, it's pretty much what it sounds like: filmed interviews of fifty different people being asked the same question on the same day in a random city.  I love how they explain what they do: ... just trying to capture a little slice of humanity.  Yum.

• With my sporadic postings, and current unfocused nature of the blog-beast, I may just need to do a little blog-visioning.  Great article on how to do that here.

And for those of you still here, thanks for still checking in with me; I enjoy your company here in my little slice of blog-land.

blitzed, out.

I've removed the "FeedBlitz" link/sign-up from my side column.  TypePad offered this service several months ago, and it sounded pretty cool.  But in the last couple of weeks, a few friends/blog readers mentioned that they hadn't received any alerts in a while and wondered if I'd been out of commission.  Nope, I told them, I've been blogging.  (sporadically yes, but blogging ...)

So, it seems, the FeedBlitzers were not blitzing. 

I went to their site to try to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it, but I have something of a techy-impairment (which means that my brain kinda shuts down when faced with detailed tech stuff - or things that require thoughtful searches on techy websites ...), and therefore, after several attempts to get to the bottom of it (each one turning up nothing), I gave up. 

I understand that there are other ways to get updates from the blogs you regularly read, but I don't really understand how to do it.  If you do, feel free to explain (in the comments section, or shoot me an email), and I shall be forever grateful for your tech consultation.

If you know how to use these (hopefully more reliable) services, go on ahead and sign up to get a notice when I update my blog.  Because clearly, it is a fascinating life that I lead ... writing a post about technological complications I know nothing about on a Saturday evening. 

With this kind of excitement, you don't want to miss a thing.

i can quit any time i want to

I just came back from 10 days in Florida - part of the trip was for business, the other part was for pleasure.  During the business part, I was in a lovely hotel that had wireless internet access, but I had very little free time to keep up my RDIQ (recommended daily internet quotient).  During the pleasure part of the trip - where I was visiting mi padre - I had plenty of time to relax, but was without internet access.  So again, no RDIQ.

I was fine.  Really.  I wasn't jonesing for email or my most regular blog buds or Craig Wilson and Whitney Matheson or the NYTimes Online and google. I was fine.  Really. 

I enjoyed relaxing by the pool, feeling the sun on my face, reading, writing in my journal, hanging out with Dad, sleeping in, going on bike rides, and eating fresh picked strawberries.  But trying to remember the name of that obscure actor in that obscure movie without the aid of google? Trying to keep up with emails by getting them through my phone ...? Typing on said phone with my thumbs without the aid of emoticons or parenthesis?  Mmmm, not so much. (not sure if you've noticed that i kinda have a thing for parenthesis ...)  (in the same way that i kinda have a thing for being connected ...)

(i wonder if there are 12 step program for these issues of mine ...)

It's always nice to get away, but it's good to be home ... and for more than just the internet access.  (really.  i was fine.)

bannerus interruptus

We interrupt this blog's usual programming for a technical-ish message.

I started futzing with my blog's banner tonight - not the visual, I liked that fine - I just thought maybe I'd enlarge it a bit.  And I actually managed to do that, but then I uploaded it and instead of sitting there atop my postings like a banner is supposed to, I screwed it up so much so that it was floating in a huge expanse of white space and the postings were a scroll-down, scroll-down, scroll-down away.  Tres annoying.

So until the help desk folk at TypePad can tell me what I did wrong and how to fix it, I'm going for a basic, unadorned banner.  (just in case you were wondering what was up up there ...)

And because I can't stand having NO visual at the top of my page, I've included this photo of a beauteous garden that I took last weekend when I was in Portsmouth, N.H. for a family member's wedding.  (it's apropos to nothing, but i liked the shot.  and the sentiment on the post.)  :)

(and it's my blog, i'll post totally unrelated photos if i want to.)

Thus ends this break in our usual programming.  Have a nice day.

blogging the artists way...

Joining in with Kat and some amazing fellow travelers in Blogging the Artist's Way. 

When I first saw Kat mention that she was doing it, I was reluctant. I already have a writing practice (ok, so i've slacked off a little bit since i started the job), and I facilitate writing groups (so my thinking is: do i really need this?). Besides I went through The Artists Way years ago. (ok, so i did it solo.  and i did stop doing everything but the morning pages after about the 5th week - but after having a practice of writing a few times a week for years, i got in the groove of writing [nearly] every day, and that habit has stuck ...).  But the prevailing thought that kept me from wanting to take the plunge: I've got enough stuff going on in my life - I barely find enough time to blog much it is ... where's the room for this?

And that's what decided it for me. 

There's not a lot of room (or i don't make a lot of room) for creative exploration and expression, but when I consider the things that are most important to me, my creative exploration and expression are damn high on the list.  And I don't give them nearly the amount of time and attention that I'd like.

Now, in its relatively short life, this blog has been a pretty cool addition to my creative soup.  I'm finding my blogging feet - so far my blog experience has been some combo of collage, internet pen pal-ing, sorta-autobiography, computer performance art, a different sort of writing practice, pop-culture deconstruction ... but I really don't know what the point is.  Or if there is one.  Or if there has to be.

So what I've decided for the time being is this: I'll play and let it unfold.  And that's what I'm also doing with the re-thinking (remaking for the zillionth time) of my work-life ... and life in general right now.  Trying to be organic about it.  (trying not to be impatient)

(but damn ... haven't i figured it out yet? grrr.) 

(breathe, breathe, breathe...) 

... yes, just trying to let it unfold as best I can ... giving it room and space.  (and structure too cause man, i need more than my share of that.  like the blog title says: i spend a lot of time entertaining infinity: "hmm...well THIS option seems interesting.  but what about that? ... on the other hand, i don't know.  ooh, look; what was that sparkly thing? that's kinda interesting too...") ... 

(but i digress...).

Oy...what was I saying?  Ah yes, that in order to give things room to grow, I need to give it/me/them space and time. (with a little structure, duh.)

And so, Blogging the Artists Way.  (perfect timing for my creative & personal exploration, wrapped in the frou-frou of 'just another thing I don't have time for...')   

I'm already feeling slightly slack-ish about what I'm doing compared to all the other energy and postings I'm seeing on the other participating blogs out there.  (and here's where i can hear the internalized voices of people in the 12 step rooms: "don't go comparing your insides to other people's outsides...")  (and thank you for sharing.  seriously.)

Cause I'm noticing a renewed energy already.  Even with the modified artist dates I've had so far this week: the 30 minute walk along the Delaware River (which is about 10 minutes from my office - a really hidden treasure that i don't take near enough advantage of), and shopping for the ingredients to try out a new meal for dinner the other night - which I prepared while listening to an old Moody Blues album (i don't care if it's in cd format; they're still albums to me. [oh god, i really am o-l-d aren't i?]).  YUM.  These little 'dates' - even though I don't think they're exactly what Julia Cameron had in mind, I don't care.  I'm making time, thinking of new ways to play and open up, and I'm making it work for me. 

And making time to write every day again?  Ohmygod, I love it. I've been sporadic with my writing practice since I started the job, and I miss it so much when I don't do it regularly (and emailing friends, much as it keeps me semi-sane, is not the same ...).

I know Julia Cameron alludes to a honeymoon period with the AW process, but if I'm just on the honeymoon - ya-fuckin'-hoo, I'm going to enjoy it.  Feet in the air, champagne a bubblin' ... let's keep going like this till we can't keep going no more.  (isn't that what honeymoons are for?)

crank-a-rama

Grrr.  The other day I tried to edit my "hmmm..." post - just a minor little change, no big whoop - but in the attempt I discovered a strange bug that made it impossible for me to do it.  The woman at TypePad's help desk was great (thank you laura), but no matter what we tried we couldn't get to the bottom of it.  So finally she suggested I just copy the post, delete the original and post again with the saved copy. 

So that's what I did. 

Only I didn't realize I'd lose all my comments ... (waaah!)  (i'm still new to the blog world so there's a lot of learn-by-doing going on here).  I'd gotten some really great comments in response to the last post, and now they are gone with the wind.  Vanished into the cyber netherworld.  Gone-stein.  Buh-bye.

Heavy sigh and quel bummer.

Perhaps I have attachment issues.  But I'll get over it...

More stuff coming from moi - most likely tomorrow.  (i'm in the editing mode.) 

(yeah, yeah...dealing with those perfectionist issues too...)  ;)

how blogs are like shampoo

Man, this is fun. 

Since I've taken the password protection off the blog a few people I've never met before have stopped in.

My friends have sent them to visit I'm sure, cause I don't think random travelers could find me yet.  (although i wonder ... if ricky hume - see post # 2 blogging as personal growth to find out who he is - googled me, would my blog show up?  hmmm. something to check out...!)

To have people I don't know email me or leave a comment to say that they're looking forward to seeing what I do here, or when they say that something I've said resonates with them (already!?  and i've just started!)  (yahoo yahoo; you ain't seen nothin' yet kiddies!), it gets me all jazzed. 

I'm amazed by this principle of attraction.  Just doin' my thing ... putting it out there and people are showing up.

OK, maybe it's just a few now, but by following the urge and playing ... TA DA! ... visitors!   Could fans be far behind?  People worshiping at the throne of my fabulosity?  (oh yes, they are just around the corner!)  ;)  (more on my desire to be worshipped at another time...)

It's all just so COOL!  Ah yes...my friends will tell friends, and they'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends ... and so on and so on and so on!*

And that's how blogs are like shampoo.  (they do not, however, leave your hair looking clean and fresh...)

*(for those too young to remember the reference here's your pop culture lesson for the day: back in the 70's fabrege organics shampoo had a commercial about how the word was going to spread about the fabulosity of their product.  she'd tell two friends, then she'd tell two friends, etc., etc.  check out this website for some more commercial trips down memory lane...)

it's alive...!

I've just taken the password protection off the blog...

... and I'm thinking, now that I've built it ... what if no one comes? 

I guess the anwer to that is another question: Who cares?  And yet another question surfaces: What am I doing this for?  Is it for me?  Is it for the "audience" (whoever they are?).

The answer to all that blathering and questioning: I don't KNOW.  I'm not sure.

Grr.  I hate not knowing.  (hateithateithateit)

Maybe I'm doing it for the performance aspect - cause I'm a bit of ham.  (this is where my family and friends begin laughing.  "a BIT of a ham?  a BIT?  oh ... that's so ... hahahaha.  that's so funny i think i'm gonna pee in my pants!")

... so there's certainly something to the performance aspect of the whole enterprise, but ...

I really don't know.

I worry a bit that people will come, but think it's self indulgent drivel - which, it IS in a way, let's face it - and they'll dismiss it.

(and, in my less evolved moments i think: if they dismiss it, are they dismissing me?)

(but then i remember, hey! ... i've read the four agreements!  i know not to take things personally!) 

So I'm nervous and excited and I would feel so much better if I kinda knew what I was doing this for, but for now, it's just an experiment in the I-don't-know-but-I-really-wanna-play playground, and that's enough.

Feeling a little like that moment when the safety bar gets clicked into place on a rollercoaster and you have no idea what you're in for but you're excited and anxious and ... holy shit ... here we go!

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Comments and feedback are welcome ... at the bottom of the postings you'll see a link to "comments," click on that and have your say.