to clean your plate or not...

I've been avoiding posting the last couple of days because I keep thinking: how can I write about my life and my weekend and getting through September 4th - my mother's birthday - for the 2nd time without her in the world?  How little my suffering is in comparison to people have lost their homes, I kept saying to myself. 

I wondered how I could write about anything BUT what's going on with the people who are struggling to find family, get a decent meal, and find a shower after Katrina.

I guess probably the same way kids did when their parents told them to clean their plates because there were children starving in Africa/China/everywhere.  Because there's brutality and loss and horror going on somewhere around the globe every minute of the day and somehow we go on, don't we? 

I think it might be because unless you're in it, it's not really possible to wrap your head around how horrible someone else's suffering might be ... and if you could, I don't think it's possible to keep your head wrapped around those concepts without going slightly batty.

I know it was doing that to me.  I sent a check to the Red Cross, because that seemed the wisest and most generous support that I could give, but other than that, what could I do?

I could be vigilant, that's what!  I could watch The Weather Channel for up to the minute reports. I could flip from website to website and speculate, judge, wonder.  I could check my email for the hundredth time to see if there was any news about a friend in New Orleans (she's OK - found out on tuesday...).  I could make W wrong (oh, it would be so luscious and so easy, wouldn't it?), I could make FEMA wrong (or i could make W and his administration wrong yet again for making FEMA part of the department of homeland security).  I could make all people who didn't listen to the original evacuation warnings wrong.  And then I could make myself wrong for being so completely oblivious to the plight of the people who couldn't afford to, or who were too sick to get out of town!  Then I could rail against the human race for ever once thinking that we could best nature with our engineering and then walk around stunned saying: how did this happen? 

Yeah, that's good, I could make the whole human race wrong. 

Clearly this was not working.

So over the Labor Day weekend, I took a break from the news.  I didn't read the newspaper and I avoided television.  I knew horrors were happening, but I didn't feel like I was helping anyone by keeping my head in the news. 

On Saturday my schweetie and I drove to the sea (or as we say in joisey - we went 'down the shore') with the top down on his car.  We walked at the edge of the water.  We watched people swimming and fishing and building sand castles.  We watched birds and boats and clouds.  We ate outside and watched the sunset. 

The rest of the weekend I baked banana bread.  I made fresh pesto.  I watched a DVD.  I blew bubbles with my nieces and nephew.  I repotted plants.  I thought about my mom and how much it sucks that she's still dead.  I thought about my dad and how much it sucks that he's having to walk through the world without my mom.  I felt a little sorry for myself for not having my mom anymore, and I hardly felt guilty at all for indulging in my own longing and sadness when so many are suffering elsewhere. 

I'm not sure if my moratorium on the news helped anyone who has been displaced by the hurricane, but two days out, I'm still feeling way better for it and in no hurry to get back in the swing. 

There's really no big declaration here, but if there were, maybe it's just that there's no need to clean my plate; not sure it helps anyway.

Comments

[Will]

Your feelings are very legit. I'm close to my mom and dad, and whenever something exciting happens in my life one of the first things I do is call them to share it with them. Even now I have thing lurking thought in the back of my head that wonders if anything will be quite as wonderful when they are gone. Will I enjoy it as much if they are not there to tell about it.

I, myself, don't think anyone effected by the storm would begrudge you your sense of loss. After all, it's all loss, isn't it. And it all hits each of us hard when it's that personal. My prayers go out to you.

And it's good to try and reclaim the joy in life. Good for you. That's the way to not let the bad stuff win. No one teaches us that better than a New Orleans funeral. Have you heard of them? Where after the casket is lowered into the ground, a band stops playing mournful music and strikes up party tunes. All to remember that this is a sad day, but it's also the celebration of a life. Always good to remember that we are so sad because it was so good.

Keep making it good. I'm sure the city of N.O. will be doing that as absolutely soon as they can. It's their nature. It should be for all of us.

[Marilyn]

We finally switched off CNN last night. I'll of course switch it back on again tonight...but even taking a break for a couple of hours felt like a much-needed respite...a time to just BE and live my life...

[maria]

I had that same thought the other day ... if only it was as easy as cleaning our plate to help people who are without food in other parts of the world (or the country), I wouldn't even mind the extra pounds.

Oh honey, I hear how much you're missing your mom. I'm glad you took time to go to the beach, cook, etc. Somehow being by the waves always soothes me, too (as does cooking).

Sending hugs and love ...