entertaining infinity

fast forward montage please

Y'know those scenes in movies when the heroine is going through a major transition, and determined, she moves through the change in a series of quick scenes ...

she has a big dream, and damn-it, she's gonna make it happen ...

or she's pluckily surviving a rough period ...

or she's determined to lose those 20 pounds ...

and after a few scenes ... ("she's a maniac, maniac on the floor" ... she goes to the new years eve party without her dear friend ... or she goes through some frantic workout paces ... ), we see her happily landing where we know she belongs: content, well loved, dreams coming true ... fade to black, roll credits.

And baby, that's what I'm wanting about now.  I want to skip through the hard part.  I want the frikkin' movie montage. 

Gimme a few seconds of the scene holding back the tears while driving ... a few where the man and the woman divide up the household schtuff ... one where she brings her suitcases to the house of the dear girlfriend with arms outstretched ... give me the scenes where our heroine is looking at the great new home with the perfect craftsman fireplace and front porch swing ... and then pick up in real-time again with our heroine (me) on her pretty over-sized couch in front of the fire, healthy, content, at peace ... all is well. 

Actually, I KNOW that all will be well.  When, after a few years of a sweet relationship, you and your schweetie look into the future and you don't see one together, you have to stop marking time.  And no matter how much you care about the guy and he you ... and no matter how much you like your life just the way it is, you know the universe is giving you a kick in the ass.  Time to grow again.  And growth is good and change is good and love is all around (don't need to waste it, you can have the town why don't you take it? you're gonna make it after all ...).  (but i digress into pop culture ... why would today be different from any other day?)

But really, it IS all good.  It is growth, and you rarely get growth without the aptly named growing pains.  And I'm used to it, I guess ... I seem to attract change and transformation, and I have a knack for inviting overhauls every couple of years.  Sometimes I wish I didn't, but I do.  So it goes.

I just don't like the process part of the equation.  (can't i pass "go" just this once?) 

Fast forward montage please.

changing weather

Leaving tomorrow morning for 5 days in Florida to visit with my father. 

I always find it challenging to pack when the weather where I am is so different from the weather where I'm going. 

This was always a challenge when I was living in California - the climate in Berkeley was in the mid 70's pretty much 3/4 of the year.  Coming back to Jersey for a visit in the summer, I'd pack jeans and a light jacket ... having forgotten what oppressive heat and humidity felt like.  In the winter, I'd pack jeans and a light jacket ... having (blissfully) forgotten what bitter cold and icy winds felt like. 

And now, here in brrrr cold NJ, I am looking in my suitcase disbelieving that I will REALLY be wearing those flip flops and sundress tomorrow.  Dad says it has been "boring" there - "82 ... 82 and sunny the last week" in Bonita Springs.  (that kind of boring, i'll take.)

My folks bought their condo on the west coast of Florida when my father retired.  They made the purchase during construction - something my folks had never done (and something my mother always longed to do) - this was going to be the sweet place where they would spend the winters of their retirement lounging by the pool, wandering the town, doing whatever they wanted in a life where (as my father liked to say of retirement) "every day is Saturday."  They had two (or was it three) years to do that ... and now, well ... everything has changed. 

Dad still loves the place, but now he's vacillating on whether he wants to keep it as we round the corner on two years since mom died.  He still loves it, but it is 'loaded' now.  It was their retirement vacation spot, and now he goes solo - inviting friends down to visit (and me when I can get away) and trying not to see her in all the places they used to go, or in the furniture and decorations around the house that she gleefully purchased brand new.  He swims, plays tennis now and then and does his work (retirement has only meant the chance to explore his entrepreneurial side -- dad has one business up, and another in the works ... as well as continuing to write and comment about education whenever the quixotic urge strikes).  And I know that under an umbrella of grief, sadness and disbelief that he carries around with him all the time, he's doing pretty OK.

When I am with him these days I spend a lot of time listening.  He recently told me that I am becoming his most reliable "Ann Landers" (ah, all those years of coaching have come in handy), and I'm glad I can be a support for him; I actually relish my role as 'holder of emotional space' ... I've always loved being with people in the highs and lows of their lives and I'm grateful that I can provide that sort of support for my dad when it's something he wants/needs and values so much.  And sometimes it takes a lot out of me.

And, then ... like all parents and their kids, my father is a parent - can not stop being a parent - and sometimes his interest in my relationship, health, career outlook and plans (and his opinions/thoughts on what i should/could/might want to do instead of what i am doing) just about exhausts me.  I'm having my own challenges sorting this stuff out for myself and I don't feel like distilling it all into easy to digest narratives for my father  (actually, i wish i could - maybe that would help ... or maybe it would mean i've made more sense of it all ... but i can't seem to). 

Yes, I'm 45 years old ... I think I must sound like a whingy teenager. 

And so I sit here in my heated condo while the wind whips outside, knowing that tomorrow I'll be where it's sunny and warm, and I'll be Dad's coach/Ann Landers/daughter ... and I'm not sure how to pack for that either. 

tagged

Maria tagged me for this delightful meme thing ... here goes:

Four jobs I've had:

• Working in the gift shop on a cruise ship
• Counselor and boating instructor at a Girl Scout camp
• PR goddess in non-profit theater(s)
• Conference Queen for The Coaches Training Institute (ok, my official title was director of pr ...)

Four movies I can watch over and over:

(i only get to pick FOUR?)

• Harold and Maude
• The Princess Bride
• Out of Africa
• Thelma and Louise

(and field of dreams, muriel's wedding, dazed and confused, pleasantville, annie hall, the jerk, wonder boys, dangerous liaisons, the hudsucker proxy, age of innocence, when harry met sally, cinema paradiso, the adventures of priscilla - queen of the dessert, a fish called wanda, star wars, monty python and the holy grail, the philadelphia story, holiday, it's a wonderful life, wild things, the usual suspects, holy smoke, the shawshank redemption, the wizard of oz; i kinda like movies ...) 

Four places I've lived:

• Sydney, Australia
• Berkeley, CA
• Brooklyn, NY
• Princeton, NJ

Four TV shows I love(d):

• Six Feet Under
• Mindless infotainment
• Thirtysomething
• I can rarely turn away from shows on this channel even though I suck at doing the stuff they do on the shows on this channel.

Four places I've vacationed:

• Lindeman Island, Australia
• The US (drove cross country by myself ... twice)
• The Lake District, UK
• The Outer Banks of NC

Four of my favorite dishes:

if i may change the question a little ... to favorite foods:

• fruit: peaches, strawberries, watermelon, cantaloupe, pineapple, blueberries, grapefruit, bananas, fuji apples, white grapes (no seeds please)
• most things Italian
• most things Mexican
• breakfast

Four sites I visit daily:

• my email account
• Google

other than that, i don't visit any site daily, but these are in heavy rotation:

• USA Today (i love craig wilson's stuff)
• my blogger buddies (see sidebar for the regular rollcall)

Four places I'd rather be right now:

I'm usually pretty OK with where I am (even when i'm not too thrilled with where i am ... if you can follow that logic) - but if I could pick ...

• Muir Beach (in photo)
• Bondi Beach
• in front of a fire
• hanging out with good friends

(combine the bottom two with one of the top two, and i'd be in heaven!)

Four bloggers I'm tagging:

Two bloggers I know well ...

• Marilyn of California Fever
• Will of CyberJazzDaddy

and just to mix it up and stretch into new worlds ... two blogs I read w/semi-regularity and enjoy, but whose authors I don't really know ...

• Michelle from la vie en rose
• Kathryn from Mindful Life

blissness

When Maria recently linked to Chris Bliss' cool "Must-See Finale" video clip, I watched it several times ... delighting in the beauty, joy and poetry of this guy's talent: juggling.

That's right juggling. 

But this is no ordinary juggling; this guy makes tossing balls in the air look like ballet. 

Over the last month I found myself going back to his site to watch this clip again and again; delighting in the athleticism, humor and jaw dropping fabulosity of it all.  (oh yeah, and he does it to the beatles 'golden slumbers/carry that weight/end' trilogy - a delicious tune blend that i adore. that don't hurt, oh no.)

In his juggling (a metaphor for what we all do a lot of our lives methinks) to great music, this guy has become a favorite inspiration pick-me-up.  (if he has any web tracking or stat monitoring, i'm sure he's starting to think he has a web-stalker in me ...)  It's just that watching him toss and catch as the Beatles sing: "and in the end/the love you take/is equal to the love you make ..." I am inspired every time.  By juggling.  Oh yeah.  Positively fizzing with delight am I.

It's not just because of the skill and the artistry of the juggling.  It's that, and it's also because I love seeing someone do what they're drawn to, and from that, creating a living.  (and from that, they're able to support causes they're passionate about.  and write about stuff that matters.)  (not a short little piece this last link, but worth reading ... print it out; trust me, you'll enjoy it ... and i don't just say that because chris bliss, like i, was heavily influenced by the apollo landing on the moon ...)

Watch it and see if it doesn't delight and inspire you too.  If this guy can kick off his career by juggling, what's possible for the rest of us out here juggling our various talents, desires and dreams?

And in the end, this guy is going to be taking a lot of love, cause he sure is making a lot of it.  A big smooch out in the universe to him.  (methinks he'll be able to catch it ...)

Now stop reading and go watch that 'must see finale'.  (you really MUST see it ...)