A couple of years ago my friend Wes was asked by some good friends of his if he'd become a minister so he could perform their wedding. The couple had learned of a church in California where anybody could get ordained just by signing up on-line and they thought their ceremony would be more intimate and special if someone they cared about did the honors, instead of some stranger who, by the power vested in them, could make it official.
And what an inspired choice they made too, cause Wes was a natural. In his day job, he's an arts administrator, but he brings the 'inner rev' to everything he does, so it was not a huge surprise to hear that he got asked to officiate another wedding soon after. I can't remember exactly what the connection was, but I think a member of the bridal party or a friend of the family had just become engaged and they liked what he did with the ceremony and blahblahblah, "Do you think you could do mine too?" and the next thing you know the word began to spread about Rev Wes. It's been few years now and he's performed at least a half a dozen weddings (if not more - he officiated the nupt's of former theater colleague/bud/blogger mickeyG's in january ...). He loves doing it, and the folks he does it for seem to love it too.
Now, I've been hearing about Wes's adventures in Rev-ing for a few years now, and from the very first time he told me about it, I wanted to do it too. But I didn't, and I didn't tell anybody either; I was embarrassed by the desire. Not sure why exactly, cause it wasn't like it was a big honkin' deal, anyone could do it; you didn't need to study or 'qualify' in any way at all, all you needed was an internet connection and an email address.
My friend Hugh did it this past summer in order to facilitate a friend's daughter's wedding (and while he enjoyed the experience, i have a feeling that this one ceremony may wind up being the beginning and end of his "ministry"). I've also started seeing on-line non-denominational ministers show up in (of all places) The New York Times wedding announcements. (yes, admit it; i read the nytimes wedding announcements. not all the time, and never all of them. but if i've got a stretch of time on a lazy sunday i will; so fascinating to get a snapshot into this big moment in people's lives.)
Lately when I peek in on these announcements, I've noticed a trend. In between the Rabbis, Fathers, Reverends, Clerks and Judges, there are a lot more mentions of people becoming non-denominational ministers for the purpose of this one particular wedding. ("jayne slatkin/joe smith/chip rippington III, a friend of the couple's, became a non-denominational minster to officiate the wedding ...")
So clearly lots of other people were doing it. Why then oh why couldn't I?
Not sure actually. Time went by (as it does) and I'd hear about Wes having lunch with another new couple to discuss plans for their ceremony, and I'd get all envious. Eventually I started coming out to a couple of friends about my interest, and while I got nothing but positive feedback (even from my two friends who are presbyterian ministers), I'd still do nothing but simmer with the idea in a back-burner sort of way.
Slowly, the reason behind my reluctance started to dawn on me: no one had asked me to get ordained to facilitate a specific wedding - as it seemed everyone else I knew of (or read about in the nytimes) had done - I simply wanted to; I thought it would be fun and an honor, and I thought I'd be good at it. That's it. My interest felt secret and decadent, and at the same time it felt almost like an intuition ... like it was something I was supposed to do, and that felt just a little silly, self indulgent, and - pardon the unavoidable pun - sacrilegious.
Luckily, it finally dawned on me that maybe it was OK for me to do it because I didn't take it lightly; I treated it with reverence ... and at the same time, the irreverent in me fuckin' LOVES the fact that anybody can do it. All you have to do is sign up online, I mean, come on ... that's a hoot! I love that you could just click here and do it as a laugh because you CAN. I love the egalitarian nature of it ... (is this how those elvis impersonators got legal so they could marry people i wonder ...?); I love that someone like Hugh can get ordained to officiate his friend's daughter's wedding - and will probably never do it again; or like Wes, you do it in order to officiate one friend's wedding and discover that you've fallen into a side business that feels more like a side "calling." Or maybe, like me, you do it because you think it would be fun and an honor even though there's no one lining up to have you facilitate their wedding ... yet. (if you get ordained, they will come ...)
So, on the 6th of November of oh-6, I took the plunge "just because." I went to the site, clicked a couple of times, typed in my name and my email address, and clicked 'send.' (and then had a little candle lighting ritual, of course ...)
The next day I got the email:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is to confirm that
DEBORAH COOPERMAN
has been ordained as a minister of the
Universal Life Church, Modesto, California.
Date of Ordination: 11/7/2006
by Kevin Andrews, Pastor
www.ulc.net
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your request for ordination has been processed, and you are now an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church in Modesto, California! Please record the above date of ordination for your records, as you may need this information in the future to fill out the various forms of the clergy.
Now, I won't be calling myself a minister - even though that's what they call it - largely because it rankles the nice Jewish girl in me, but also because it just doesn't seem like the right name for what I'd like to do with it. I'd like to find another word, but at the moment the only thing that comes to mind is "celebrant" and that sounds a little too airy-fairy even for me. But whatever it's called, I'm really glad there's a place (in my beloved and progressive former home of california) where it's possible for anyone (ME!) to legally sign/file the papers required to make relationships "official" in the eyes of the government. Being with people in the highs and lows of their lives is one of my favorite things ever, and I hope I'm going to get lots of opportunities to help mark those times.
Amazingly (but maybe not), there's one more bit to this story: about a month after I made it official on-line, my friend Shel and his newly affianced B asked me if I'd be willing to do the honors for their wedding in April. :) We had our first chat about what they want to do and I already have two poems picked out that I think would be really good for their ceremony. And ever since they asked, Shel has been addressing emails to me as "Rev Deb" ... it cracks me up. (and i like it too in a warped but honored sorta way!) A side-business and calling for me too perhaps? (i have a feeling ...) (what fun, what fun!)
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~ I took the above photos last summer at the beach on the same day ... it was a happenin' day for weddings!
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~ And semi-related to all this: today NJ officially became the 3rd state in the US to offer civil unions to gay couples (a step in the right direction, if not the whole magillia, i say) ... many reasons to celebrate.
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I love it! Ryan has been ordained by the Universal Life Church and performed a committment ceremony for our friends Anna and Ellen. Our friend David, who married us, got ordained for our wedding as well.
It's such a wonderful thing!
Miss you!
Posted by: Stacey | March 07, 2007 at 03:33 PM
As you might guess, I'm all over this Universal Life Church stuff. My mother's been one of their 'ministers' for years and has performed several weddings...including my brother's third and his ex-wife's second...ha! One of the weirdest connections about this was when my brother (he lives here) was sitting in a bar in JFK a few years ago, killing time before a flight, and he struck up a conversation with the guy next to him. One thing led to another...and it turned out our mother had married the guy! (He'd married our childhood friend.) In September, my stepbrother who'd been so ill a year ago married his long-time live-in love...and his best friend became a minister for the occasion...it was really touching and sweet.
Posted by: Marilyn | February 25, 2007 at 02:18 PM
Reverend Deb, I've been meaning to tell you that I think this is the coolest thing EVAH! And that you are just perfect for the 'job' (and title). You will bring not only respect and reverence to the events, but also your special presence and wonderful, unique Deb-ness. What you create will be beautiful and memorable. Congratulations!!
BTW, I love that picture of the two girls looking on from across the street. Precious.
Posted by: maria | February 25, 2007 at 10:29 AM
Dear Rev Deb,
Welcome to the sister/brotherhood. I'm thrilled that you now have The Power vested in you.
Is that like The Force?!?
xoxo
Wes
Posted by: Wes | February 20, 2007 at 10:13 AM
I can see you do this! All this actually reminds me of a friend's wedding in Germany many years ago where I was asked do the English translations for her Canadian husband to be. It was a little nerve wrecking as they hadn't given me much notice and I had to deliver the translations without any preparation as the registrar went along, in front of the whole wedding party. Anyway, the weirdest part was to say at the end "I herewith pronounce you husband and wife". My friend's husband gave me a smirky kind of look and told me afterwards that he almost did NOT feel married because I was good old K who they used to get drunk with, not suitably serious enough to pronounce them husband and wife! But I have to admit, I felt honored to share their special moment this way. Good luck in April, Minister Deb!
Posted by: Kerstin | February 18, 2007 at 01:04 PM