it seems like years since its been clear

Spring is finally starting to assert itself in New Jersey.  It's not being hugely convincing - there's a chill in the air most mornings and again at night, and today a cold front moved in ... winter's last gasp.  But with crocuses out, and daffodils popping up, I feel like one those flowers and buds, bursting forth and leaning into the sun after a long, cold, lonely winter.

This winter wasn't all that bad, actually - we had several power storms last year, but aside from two snow/sleet/ice storms, this winter was pretty calm.  It's all relative to me though ... winter just generally kicks my ass; anything under 50 degrees feels cold and the lack of light makes me wilt. (and don't tell me about beautiful, clear blue winter skies, cause those days are usually bitingly cold, and while they might be lovely to look at, it's too frikkin' cold to want to go outside ...) 

I expect I've got that SAD thing - Seasonal Affective Disorder (aka: bummed by lack of sun).  It's not that I fall into the depths of depression, but I definitely go low ... it slows me down, I feel less energetic, less motivated, less focused (and with the ADD head, these things can spell double trouble), and invariably, I also gain weight (which never helps with the slow and sluggy feeling).  But for some reason, since I don't shut down entirely, I often convince myself I'm getting through OK ... and every year when spring comes, a veil gets lifted - like Dorothy emerging from sepia toned Kansas into colorful Oz - and I wonder how I made it through.

I'm a little embarrassed about how the winter impacts me, and have to remind myself that it's nothing to be ashamed of ... it doesn't indicate a weakness of character ... still, sometimes I think that if I were stronger or smarter, I would be able to avoid it. 

The winter-kicks-my-ass thing was part of what I loved about living in Australia, and one of the primary reasons I moved to Berkeley.  Neither place experienced the sort of winters I grew up with; winter never got much worse than a rainy October day in New Jersey (40-ish degrees - farenheit) ... and when it DID, it never lasted long and could easily be followed by a stretch of mid-60's (or fluke 70's) days.  Sydney got warmer than Berkeley did in the summers but they both had incredibly temperate climates - no big extremes of heat/humidity or hell-cold - and I frikkin' LOVED IT.  (well good god cooperman, if you loved it so much, why'd you move back?)

I returned to Joisey because of my family.  (damn them!)  My folks were here, and Suz and Bean had reproduced (or began reproducing soon after i left) the coolest little people and I wanted to have relationships with them all.  Eventually I realized that I would never be able to convince my (damn) family to relocate to the Bay Area just to make me happy (the nerve of them!), and that if relationships were really going to happen, I had to come back.  (how could they BE so selfish?)

It's been five years now (hard to believe it's been that long), and even though the winter sucks, I know it was worth it.  This past weekend I got to go see Dancer/Skater/Cutie play the lead in her community theater production of Peter Pan - (baseball boy was also in it; he had a small role as one of hook's pirate crew, and suz and her husband do volunteer backstage duty ...).  The whole gang came out to see the show: Dad, Bean, wife-of-Bean and all three Beaners; Suz's in-laws were there too, and friends and neighbors.  (i wouldn't be surprised if 1/5 of the audience was there for D/S/C).  We came to see the show, but mostly, I think, we came to celebrate D/S/C and her amazing recovery, determination and passion.  (she was wonderful, and i don't think that's just because i'm biased.  she's quite talented - and she LOVES performing - so it's a joy to watch her.)  It was a wonderful day. 

So, would I rather live in climates like Sydney and Berkeley?  You better believe it.  But since it doesn't look like the family is going to move en masse to warmer climes, I've gotta find a way to deal with the winter ass-kicking.  Being able to share in big family moments like this one definitely helps.  Taking trips to warmer climates and fires in the fireplace help too.  But maybe it's time to invest in something from these guys?  Might not hurt.  But for now, it looks like I've gotten through another one ... sun, sun, sun, here it comes. 

Comments

[maria]

Well, I think you know how much I relate to this post. What really struck me was the paragraph on being embarrassed about the impact winter has on you. Me too, though I didn't realize how much so until you put it in those very words. YES! That's it. I feel like I should be happy and shiny all the time, regardless of the season or whatever else is going on ... and if I'm not, I'm clearly not with the program, or I'm just being 'negative,' (which feels especially taboo now, what with the success of The Secret and all). Probably all my own crapola/head trip. Anyway ... it's nice to know I can come here and whine about winter once in a while. :-)

I've looked into the lights too, but haven't taken the plunge (denial that I need 'help,' perhaps). I hear they do help!

[Marilyn]

Having just spent a week traveling with my youngest niece...yes indeed, family moments beat all.

[Will]

Hang in there, baby. Sun is coming! And this production looks fantastic. Seems like their community theater has go it goin' on.

[leah]

oh, i so hear you about the winter. i often think, why couldn't my family have ended up some place warmer?? but then i'm just glad we didn't end up in texas. :-) yeah, and i get embarrassed about my issues with winter and depression and get caught up in the thinking that if i were just better, smarter, or something i'd be fine. blargy. bring on the sunshine and warmer temps!