thoughts on the blog-versary

The other day I realized that I've been blogging for 2 years ... man, time sure does fly.

When I started, I didn't have much of an intention for the whole thing.  Maria had been blogging for a while and she thought that "blog-as multi-media art form"/"self-expression work-out" would be a natural for me, and once I started looking around on the blogosphere (amazingly, i hadn't really been aware of it before ...), and saw what other people were doing, I knew she was right. 

I figured it would be a fun exercise/written "performance"/soap box ... but I expected it'd be pretty anonymous.  I didn't tell many people I was doing it at first, just a handful of good buds, and while I knew it was the internet and therefore hugely public, I felt I was talking in a loud room to some close friends, and I didn't really expect to be heard by anybody who wasn't close. 

Then Maria put a link to my blog on hers when I "went live," and several total strangers came by to visit.  It was a hoot to get comments from people I'd never met saying they liked what I wrote or they got a kick out of my style and/or perspective.  I quickly forgot about my expected anonymity and let my ego swim around in the delightful encouragement and attention.  (big fish ... teeny, tiny little pond.)

Once the initial rush of visitors and comments mellowed, I was still having a complete blast; the ability to write whatever I felt like and get that instant gratification from "publishing" the whatever-it-was-I-felt-like ... inserting links to cool websites (attempting to turn the world on to my own interest in whacked out grooveness, obscure clips from old television shows and other fun links)?  Too much fun.  And in between playing with the form and referencing pop culture trivia, I'd often weave in thoughts about deepiosity in varying degrees, whinge about stuff that gets me incensed (mostly W), and share bits of personal stuff here and there (can't help myself, it's in my nate-cha).

In these two years I've really come to love the dialogue that evolves from reader feedback/comments on and off-line; the comments and conversations have been the most delightful, unexpected by-product of the whole experiment.  It's not so much about feeling like I'm so marvelous and my writing is so fabulous (although i never turn down a bit of worship ...) ... it's more that I've found one more way to connect with people and "connection addict" that I am, I love that. 

And still, there have been times when I'd write something personal/vulnerable, or goofy/warped/'out-there' and I'd hesitate and second guess myself about posting it. What's kinda strange is that I'll often post things on here that have never come up with people I talk to all the time, so I wonder why am I willing to be revealing about my schtuff in a way that's so public?  And in the face of possible humiliation and/or embarrassment too?  Perfect example: a while back I had a post that I actually took down a day or two after publishing it (and left it 'down' for over two weeks) because I felt strange putting such 'woo woo' stuff out there.  Eventually I re-published it because I was annoyed by my own wimpiness; I re-posted in spite of the feeling ... or maybe in defiance of it.  Besides, most of the time, I convince myself that my readership consists of about 10 -12 regulars and a handful of "occassional's," so my feelings of "vulnerability" are simply the result of ego gone wild. 

Then, pretty recently - over a period of a month or so - I learned that a couple of people who I knew (but not really well) had discovered my blog and had been reading.  Then, soon after that, a friend explained how I could look on my blog management page and see how often my stuff had been viewed.  Once I figured out how to do it I saw numbers that were higher than I would have expected to see.  (nothing dramatic - most days average i average about 11 hits. but that means that among the days where no one visits, there are also a few where there are 20 and 30 hits; i figured the most i'd see was 10 - 12.  wild.) (but i digress)

All this info wigged me out a little. Good god, what have I written?  Who else is reading that I don't know about?  Is there anything I should have been less overt about?  Are there any old posts that'll come back to haunt me?  What sort of self-indulgent drivel have I been tossing out for the world to see?

So during my recent unplanned hiatus I gave some thought to taking a more conscious break from the blog, but in the end, there are too many things I enjoy about the practice - the dialogue that springs up with folks who read; the chance to exercise the writing/creativity muscle in a way that's so different from my personal writing practice or the longer term writing stuff I do; learning more about what matters to me, and what I do with all that ... (like e.m. forster once mused: "how can i know what i think till i see what i say?") - and so I'll keep playing.

So happy blog-versary to me ... and to you (whoever you are) for reading, and keeping me company on the ride. 

Comments

[Wes]

Oh thank GOD. And Happy Blogiversary! Wes.

[Will]

Late Happy Blogiversary! I'm so glad you didn't quit. I like finding new stuff here as often as you're able to post it. I'd miss it, too. (Like I miss Maria---tell her Hi if you see her).

Glad to have you around!

[Marilyn]

Happy Blogiversary! (Really, only 2 years??...seems longer somehow...) The other day it hit me that in a bit I'll hit the 4 year mark...and then I felt a jolt at how much my blog-life has changed in that time...and how very much my blogging life has contributed to my 'real' life. Every time I get tempted to step away, I remember how very rich the experience has been for me. There's really nothing quite like it. I continue to keep my blog and 'real' lives separate for the most part. Sometimes that bothers me deeply...but most of the time it feels like the right thing to do.