touching down

For those of you still with me, hi.  Sorry I'm not giving you much reading material these days; I've not been particularly inspired to post lately. (duh) 

If I start something that I expect will become a post and I don't toss it off in one sitting, by the time I come back to finish with the thoughts, I've run out of gas.  Sometimes the writing energy goes into another project, or I start musing around with a post and it takes a turn where it gets a little more personal than I want to go in blogland, so it gets jettisoned too.

Next thing you know, weeks have gone by and I haven't posted.

When I first started blogging I thought of it simply as a creative experiment; another form of writing practice ... but then it became something unexpected: a way to connect with friends (those in my real life and - bonus - the ones i've met through our blogs) and host a virtual party.  Every time I'd post it was like sending out an invitation, and the emails and comments I'd get in response were feedback and conversation and they kept me jazzed.  But lately the contact I have with my regulars consists mostly of: Where've you been ... are you OK?  As for the semi-regulars?  They've probably begun to look in less and less frequently (and who can blame them?  why would you want to visit a friend who was never there to greet you?). 

Another thing that happens: when I post less, I often visit my blog buddies less - the blogging habit of writing and reading seems to go hand in hand for me. 

So it seems I've set up a cycle: I put out less, the peeps come by less (since i'm not giving them any new stuff to play with), and then there's not as much dialog, so I'm not as interested in putting out and blahblahblah.  Wish I could say I'm only motived by the desire to express and/or inspire or some such thing - writing and posting for the sheer joy of it - but, without the feedback and engagement, my motivation wanes.

Then again, I wonder if that's all one big made-up excuse and maybe I've just run out of juice for it entirely.  I notice that I've been less playful with my writing here, and the stuff that's coming out in my daily writing tends to be that stuff I don't want to put out on the blog.  For a while I actually toyed with starting a new anonymous blog so I could spill out with no restraint if I wanted to - without fear that someone would know who I was and what I spoke of.  But in order to be that anonymous, I get to tell no one about it, and that's no fun.  So if I wasn't planning to get all diary-like and confessional (or more than i get here already), what was the point?

You see the quandary.  What am I still doing here?

Clearly, I'm not done or I'd just walk away.  (as many of my favorite bloggers have).  There's something that still interests me here ... wants to play.

Maybe it's time to pull a Madonna and reinvent.  (not sure what that means, but there will be no pointy bras involved.)  (rest easy my friends; rest easy ...)

Comments

[Verna Wilder]

Oh yeah, I know I know, uh-huh (we're sitting in that fabulous cafe you shot a photo of), same thing happens to me (gimme one of your napkins - mine are all used up). So then what gets you writing again? (are you going to eat that pickle?) Me? Some idea takes me, or - no - one night it was the smell of lilacs and my hand picked up a pen and started making blog notes on a square of grid-lined paper. Sensual intake will do it: a thunder storm, a song, the smell of rain, sip of red wine, you know.

I've been out of touch with your blog for a long time, and as you say in your own blog, you understand why. Now I'm parking your URL in my Google Reader and will stay caught up. I love your writing and hope you will push through those wordless times, thus inspiring me to do the same. (I like this place; let's eat here again.)

[Will]

I'm so glad you decide to stay. Even if it's only once in a while. To know you're still out there and coming back at any moment gives me one more shiny place in my life.

I totally understand what you are saying in this post. I could have written it myself.

And if you ever decide to do an anonymous blog, you have to promise to tell me. (I'll only read it with funny glasses on and post comments like I don't know you, promise.)