entertaining infinity

crank-a-rama

Grrr.  The other day I tried to edit my "hmmm..." post - just a minor little change, no big whoop - but in the attempt I discovered a strange bug that made it impossible for me to do it.  The woman at TypePad's help desk was great (thank you laura), but no matter what we tried we couldn't get to the bottom of it.  So finally she suggested I just copy the post, delete the original and post again with the saved copy. 

So that's what I did. 

Only I didn't realize I'd lose all my comments ... (waaah!)  (i'm still new to the blog world so there's a lot of learn-by-doing going on here).  I'd gotten some really great comments in response to the last post, and now they are gone with the wind.  Vanished into the cyber netherworld.  Gone-stein.  Buh-bye.

Heavy sigh and quel bummer.

Perhaps I have attachment issues.  But I'll get over it...

More stuff coming from moi - most likely tomorrow.  (i'm in the editing mode.) 

(yeah, yeah...dealing with those perfectionist issues too...)  ;)

how blogs are like shampoo

Man, this is fun. 

Since I've taken the password protection off the blog a few people I've never met before have stopped in.

My friends have sent them to visit I'm sure, cause I don't think random travelers could find me yet.  (although i wonder ... if ricky hume - see post # 2 blogging as personal growth to find out who he is - googled me, would my blog show up?  hmmm. something to check out...!)

To have people I don't know email me or leave a comment to say that they're looking forward to seeing what I do here, or when they say that something I've said resonates with them (already!?  and i've just started!)  (yahoo yahoo; you ain't seen nothin' yet kiddies!), it gets me all jazzed. 

I'm amazed by this principle of attraction.  Just doin' my thing ... putting it out there and people are showing up.

OK, maybe it's just a few now, but by following the urge and playing ... TA DA! ... visitors!   Could fans be far behind?  People worshiping at the throne of my fabulosity?  (oh yes, they are just around the corner!)  ;)  (more on my desire to be worshipped at another time...)

It's all just so COOL!  Ah yes...my friends will tell friends, and they'll tell two friends, and they'll tell two friends ... and so on and so on and so on!*

And that's how blogs are like shampoo.  (they do not, however, leave your hair looking clean and fresh...)

*(for those too young to remember the reference here's your pop culture lesson for the day: back in the 70's fabrege organics shampoo had a commercial about how the word was going to spread about the fabulosity of their product.  she'd tell two friends, then she'd tell two friends, etc., etc.  check out this website for some more commercial trips down memory lane...)

it's alive...!

I've just taken the password protection off the blog...

... and I'm thinking, now that I've built it ... what if no one comes? 

I guess the anwer to that is another question: Who cares?  And yet another question surfaces: What am I doing this for?  Is it for me?  Is it for the "audience" (whoever they are?).

The answer to all that blathering and questioning: I don't KNOW.  I'm not sure.

Grr.  I hate not knowing.  (hateithateithateit)

Maybe I'm doing it for the performance aspect - cause I'm a bit of ham.  (this is where my family and friends begin laughing.  "a BIT of a ham?  a BIT?  oh ... that's so ... hahahaha.  that's so funny i think i'm gonna pee in my pants!")

... so there's certainly something to the performance aspect of the whole enterprise, but ...

I really don't know.

I worry a bit that people will come, but think it's self indulgent drivel - which, it IS in a way, let's face it - and they'll dismiss it.

(and, in my less evolved moments i think: if they dismiss it, are they dismissing me?)

(but then i remember, hey! ... i've read the four agreements!  i know not to take things personally!) 

So I'm nervous and excited and I would feel so much better if I kinda knew what I was doing this for, but for now, it's just an experiment in the I-don't-know-but-I-really-wanna-play playground, and that's enough.

Feeling a little like that moment when the safety bar gets clicked into place on a rollercoaster and you have no idea what you're in for but you're excited and anxious and ... holy shit ... here we go!

Thanks for coming along for the ride.

Comments and feedback are welcome ... at the bottom of the postings you'll see a link to "comments," click on that and have your say.

blogging as personal growth

The blog is still not “live.”  (i know people will be able to read this posting one day, but for now, it's just me and the few folks who have the password while i’m in build-mode). 

I notice as I get ready to go public - tinkering with colors, building a banner, playing with options and writing (and re-writing) stuff for my 'about' page - that deciding to, and gearing up for this blogging thing is one of the most intense 'personal growth workshops' I've ever signed on for.

Even though I've been operating my life under an umbrella of "living out loud" through my work for several years now, there's a big difference between doing it with clients, workshop participants, friends and people who love me, and just sending it out there to god-knows-where and who-knows-who in cyber-land. 

I’m still not really sure what has possessed me to do this.  I just feel compelled.

So...how ‘out loud’ do I go? 

And when I do...what if "they" don't like me?  What if I embarrass my family?  (it's highly likely.)  What if an old crush stumbles upon this one day and laughs?  (and not in a good way...)

The reasons not to broadcast myself and my writing are huge.  I’m not really sure what I’m doing it for – that’s a biggie.  And there are countless ways that I could wind up embarrassing my family.  What if people misunderstand me?  What if I say something that offends someone I care about?

And ohmygod, there are just so many old crushes who could find reason to laugh.

I know I shouldn't care - I know it’s not PC (personal-growthy correct) to say, but I do - I care what people think. Not all the time, and rarely enough to do things differently, but enough to make me hesitate if I measure myself against what I think they think.

And at the same time, I know that’s all completely ridiculous.  Maybe that's one of the reasons I'm doing this.  To know that the world won’t end when I share my writing and myself with the unknown.  That it might actually be a good thing.

I've been so inspired by what I've seen on other blogs - how people put themselves out there in so many brilliant, colorful, hopeful, creative and spirited ways - and so I wonder: what the hell is stopping you Cooperman?  Maybe someone will stumble on my little corner of the cyber-pond and be inspired.  Maybe what I say will make them laugh (in a good way).  Who knows?

In my work I'm all about celebrating the quirky uniqueness of people, so why not my own?  (i suppose i'm getting an experience of that old saying "we teach what we need to learn"...) 

So if you ever find your way here Ricky Hume (the first guy i ever kissed – 2^nd grade, i think – behind a shed in his backyard in belvidere, nj), or any of the other legions of boys and men I've crushed over, laugh away.  (cause if an old crush laughs in the cyber world and i'm not around to hear it, does it really matter?)  If the collective "they" don't like what I say?  Won't be the first time. 

Well, maybe I'll care a little, but probably not enough to stop.

And my family?  Too late, I've been embarassing them for years.  ;)

This is gonna be interesting...