entertaining infinity

... and the human equilavent?

 
Brilliant. 

I can imagine SO many great variations on this theme for the human-types ...

new route

When I went to see Anne Lamott speak this winter, the thing that stayed with me the most was something she said during the Q&A.  Lamott is an smart, quirky, funny, cool, liberal, born-again-Christian writer (which is probably a quadrupled oxymoron ...) and I love her stuff.  She was promoting her book Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith, so many of the questions she got after the reading were about faith and god and her experience of those.  At one point someone asked if she believed in the devil and Lamott said she did but the devil wasn't incarnated ... instead (and i paraphrase hugely here) - The devil is the voice in your head that whispers: Yeah, you know you have to quit smoking, drinking (or engaging in some other addiction or behavior that enslaves your spirit or keeps you out of integrity) ... and you will ... of course you will.  But, the devil will say: not today. 

The reason this stuck with me was because, as you might suspect, I had my own "not today."  Not an addiction as such, this "not today" was stuff I just didn't want to shake up - things I was doing that wouldn't bring me what I wanted in the big picture if I kept it up.  And while I think live pretty intentionally most of the time, the things that hang on, hang on hard, and I had been quite happy to keep on listening to that voice: You will ... of course you will ... because change like this feels a little like a psychic amputation (and most people wouldn't willingly choose to go through such a process).  So, until very recently, every time I'd look at the equation and it didn't add up, I'd still listen to the voice telling me it wasn't today, not today, not today. 

And then, it was.  

I'm still reeling, feeling untethered and often alone (even though i know i'm not), but at the same time, I am sure it had to happen and I know that if I can slog through the tough stuff, it'll open up new space for healing and growth (and this is good).  At the same time, I still kinda wish there were some magic poof that could help me by-pass the hard stuff or make it OK not to have to change at all ... but since that's looking pretty doubtful, methinks this is the way to go and I just have to keep moving forward.

Then, last night I went for a walk - going my usual route (which often includes a few minutes on some swings in a local park), but little kids were still on the swings after I'd taken two loops around the park (the nerve of them), and since I still had lots of energy to burn, I decided to take a longer route home.  Going this way instead of my usual loop, I saw some sights I'd never encountered before - a beautiful slate patterned roof on a church, a sweet neighborhood garden - and I also discovered that it really IS fun (and feels like a major accomplishment) to run up and down high school stadium bleachers.  With some wonderful and inspiring tunes showing up on the iPod at the most perfectest of times, and cool breezes to keep me company, the walk brought on some moments of in-the-bones hopefulness about the recent arrival of "today." 

I know it won't last forever ... I expect there will more days of untetheredness to come, and more hard stuff to slog through ... but it felt good to get that hopeful feeling in my body for a while; it'll help to remember it when the harder moments surface. 

And since there was champagne left over from the other day (and i have a magic 'save-the-bubbles' stopper, so it's still good), I decided to have a glass with dinner.  Even though I feel far from celebratory, it was somehow appropriate to mark the moment.  Here's to today, and to bravely taking new routes (even  when y'don't wanna). 

someone else's b-day; i get a prezzie

In honor of Scott-a-leh's upcoming Big 5-oh b-day, a handful us got together and went on a dinner cruise around Manhattan on Sunday night.

I think we all expected a bit of cheese and low-brow camp, but what we got?  Well, if you're ever looking for the perfect romantic evening, a fabulous meal and some top-notch entertainment on a winter night, this, my friends, would not be it. (cheese?  think cheeze-whiz baby)  With a buffet much like the ones you'll find at a conference in a hotel, tables close together with too-bright lighting, and entertainment that seemed to take its cue from Bill Murray's Nick-the-Lounge-Singer act on SNL ... oh no, they don't call it The Spirit of New Jersey for nothing.  (ok, ok, so i'm over-exaggerating and playing into all the worst stereotypes of my state when i say that, but allow yourself to simmer with the general concept and you'll get the picture).   

Then again, if you don't care about the food or the atmo at the table, or the distractions of (alleged) entertainment, and you just want to hang with some friends and have a laugh, this could be your thing.  And I would venture to guess that this is what motivates many to come on board.  I imagine there are plenty people like our group out there - which is probably how these guys stay in biz (i almost said "afloat" but resisted).  (then again, maybe i didn't.)

I hung with the crowd for about an hour in the dining room before the pull of the outdoors became irresistible. With the lights and the sights of Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and Joisey floating by, I just couldn't stay inside ... fab company or not.  Anti-social perhaps, but maybe that's the bonus of being the only single among a crowd of couples ... it was easy to slip away and not be missed.

Huddled with my back against the captain's cabin in a plastic chair I snagged, I managed to stay pretty well protected from the breezes.  But even so, I had come prepared.  I wore a dress - it was a festive occasion, after all - but I also wore boots with heavy socks, and a long boiled wool coat that used to belong to my mother - a toasty thing that I fondly refer to as "the rug."  I'd also packed a bag stuffed with sweatpants, a big wrap-around schmata, a scarf, hat and gloves; there was no way I was going to be spending an evening on a boat cruising around NY harbor and sitting inside; there would've had to be an ice storm going on to keep me off that deck.

When the boat got close to the Statue of Liberty, loads of people - families, groups of friends, couples - all came running up from the dining room to get a good look and snap some photos - many of them shrieking about the cold and wind as they did.  (short skirts, high heels and flimsy coats on the deck of a boat on the hudson river in november is going to be cold girls, i'm thinking to myself as the parade of drunken 20-somethings giggled their way to the railing, posed and ran back downstairs) I just waited them out ... stayed in my little chair, assured that I'd get the place to myself again once Ms. Liberty was further out of sight.

There's something so compelling about being alone in a space made so big by water and sky.  (perhaps it brings me back to the days of working on the cruise ships, but i loved being on the water - boats of any kind - long before that.  my time on the cruise ships may have cemented the love affair though, cause now even the scent of diesel fumes whipping up over the back of the boat smell sweet to me.) But whether I'm sitting on a beach, by a river or lake, on a boat or a ship, night or day, it calms and restores me.  I suppose I'm not unique; I know a lot of people say that about the water ... but I go all out - packing sweatpants to wear under a dress on a cold November night - so I can get my fix. 

As the days get colder and shorter and I try to combat my natural tendency to go inward and hibernate (eventually leading to the dreaded winter bum-out) (particularly now as i'm doing so damn much navel gazing anyway) perhaps a boat ride from time to time is something I should plan.  (and i don't have to go cheeze-whiz ... the staten island ferry is free ... hm.)

So, a happy 50th to Scott-a-leh ... and thanks for the party favor.

thoughts on the blog-versary

The other day I realized that I've been blogging for 2 years ... man, time sure does fly.

When I started, I didn't have much of an intention for the whole thing.  Maria had been blogging for a while and she thought that "blog-as multi-media art form"/"self-expression work-out" would be a natural for me, and once I started looking around on the blogosphere (amazingly, i hadn't really been aware of it before ...), and saw what other people were doing, I knew she was right. 

I figured it would be a fun exercise/written "performance"/soap box ... but I expected it'd be pretty anonymous.  I didn't tell many people I was doing it at first, just a handful of good buds, and while I knew it was the internet and therefore hugely public, I felt I was talking in a loud room to some close friends, and I didn't really expect to be heard by anybody who wasn't close. 

Then Maria put a link to my blog on hers when I "went live," and several total strangers came by to visit.  It was a hoot to get comments from people I'd never met saying they liked what I wrote or they got a kick out of my style and/or perspective.  I quickly forgot about my expected anonymity and let my ego swim around in the delightful encouragement and attention.  (big fish ... teeny, tiny little pond.)

Once the initial rush of visitors and comments mellowed, I was still having a complete blast; the ability to write whatever I felt like and get that instant gratification from "publishing" the whatever-it-was-I-felt-like ... inserting links to cool websites (attempting to turn the world on to my own interest in whacked out grooveness, obscure clips from old television shows and other fun links)?  Too much fun.  And in between playing with the form and referencing pop culture trivia, I'd often weave in thoughts about deepiosity in varying degrees, whinge about stuff that gets me incensed (mostly W), and share bits of personal stuff here and there (can't help myself, it's in my nate-cha).

In these two years I've really come to love the dialogue that evolves from reader feedback/comments on and off-line; the comments and conversations have been the most delightful, unexpected by-product of the whole experiment.  It's not so much about feeling like I'm so marvelous and my writing is so fabulous (although i never turn down a bit of worship ...) ... it's more that I've found one more way to connect with people and "connection addict" that I am, I love that. 

And still, there have been times when I'd write something personal/vulnerable, or goofy/warped/'out-there' and I'd hesitate and second guess myself about posting it. What's kinda strange is that I'll often post things on here that have never come up with people I talk to all the time, so I wonder why am I willing to be revealing about my schtuff in a way that's so public?  And in the face of possible humiliation and/or embarrassment too?  Perfect example: a while back I had a post that I actually took down a day or two after publishing it (and left it 'down' for over two weeks) because I felt strange putting such 'woo woo' stuff out there.  Eventually I re-published it because I was annoyed by my own wimpiness; I re-posted in spite of the feeling ... or maybe in defiance of it.  Besides, most of the time, I convince myself that my readership consists of about 10 -12 regulars and a handful of "occassional's," so my feelings of "vulnerability" are simply the result of ego gone wild. 

Then, pretty recently - over a period of a month or so - I learned that a couple of people who I knew (but not really well) had discovered my blog and had been reading.  Then, soon after that, a friend explained how I could look on my blog management page and see how often my stuff had been viewed.  Once I figured out how to do it I saw numbers that were higher than I would have expected to see.  (nothing dramatic - most days average i average about 11 hits. but that means that among the days where no one visits, there are also a few where there are 20 and 30 hits; i figured the most i'd see was 10 - 12.  wild.) (but i digress)

All this info wigged me out a little. Good god, what have I written?  Who else is reading that I don't know about?  Is there anything I should have been less overt about?  Are there any old posts that'll come back to haunt me?  What sort of self-indulgent drivel have I been tossing out for the world to see?

So during my recent unplanned hiatus I gave some thought to taking a more conscious break from the blog, but in the end, there are too many things I enjoy about the practice - the dialogue that springs up with folks who read; the chance to exercise the writing/creativity muscle in a way that's so different from my personal writing practice or the longer term writing stuff I do; learning more about what matters to me, and what I do with all that ... (like e.m. forster once mused: "how can i know what i think till i see what i say?") - and so I'll keep playing.

So happy blog-versary to me ... and to you (whoever you are) for reading, and keeping me company on the ride. 

earthquakes

Back in the late 90's when I started to tell my friends about my decision to move from Joisey to California, most were supportive (although all professed to be broken hearted about it, of course), some were envious, and more often than not, the subject of earthquakes would come up.  (mostly along the lines of: doesn't that scare you a little?)

I suppose if I really thought that I'd wind up dangling on the Bay Bridge like some people did in the Loma Pietra quake back in '89, I might have rethunk it, but most of the time, I'd shake it off ... remind myself (and them) that there are natural disasters everywhere, and skillions of ways to die in each of them (and, as evidenced on the fabulous six feet under, many ways to go in general).  So I was playing the odds: How many days go by without The Big One? ... and how great is the life and the weather out there?  And what are the chances that The Big One will come when I'm on one of the area's many long (5 mile-ish) bridges over the Bay?  (ok, maybe my odds were higher than many, cause i went over this one - the richmond-san rafael bridge - several times a week on my way to work.) (and from time to time i WOULD find myself halfway across - saying: don't let the big one happen now ... but i was playin' the odds.) 

There were quite a few earthquakes when I lived there - none of them particularly significant (you get used to a lot of little and medium sized ones) - and after a while I started to think that this was one of the things that makes the people in California unique: there's a spirit that prevails when you know the ground can shift under you any time, and with that possibility always there, you'd better dig in and enjoy it while you can.  (loved that about my CA peeps.)

So back in Joisey a little over five years now (good god, has it really been that long?) I'm reminded time and again that earthquakes can happen even if you don't live in the beautiful Bay Area on a fault line. A phone call comes, planes fly into buildings, you get downsized ... something shifts and the world as you know it gives way and there's no retrofitting and no "emergency preparedness kit" on the market for these sorts of quakes.

Had one of those recently.  About three weeks ago someone very close to me went to the doctor to get a little problem checked out ... and it turned out to be a really big problem.  In the days that followed, the words surgery, chemo, radiation and prognosis were part of the daily mind-swirl. 

And even though I knew that the odds with this particular "brand" of cancer were good, it was hard not to flash back to my mother's experience; but (thank god) this is not her brand, and this time the news is good (if you're going to get cancer, i guess this was the kind to get) - there was no involvement in lymph nodes, no invasion in other organs, and for all intents and purposes, he's now cancer free.

So, we've escaped The Big One ... another earthquake gotten through; another reminder of impermanance, fraglility, beauty and how great life is (even when it sucks) ... and that you better dig in and enjoy it while you can.

And once again, I turn to The Gospel of Pop Culture for some inspiration and wisdom, and invite you all to sing along:

Sha la la la la la live for today ... your life is now ... so make the best of this test and don't ask why ... any day above ground is a good day ...(ok, that was an obscure one, but indulge me the aussie reference ...) eat, drink and be merry ... what a wonderful world ... it's such a lovely ride.

white space

December 31, 2006

2006 ...

... days go by, we meet people, we buy groceries.  We work, we sleep, we eat, we drink coffee, we wish for more, we strive to do better.  We wonder why some things are so damn hard, and other times we think about people who are really, really suffering and struggling and we feel lucky, soft and grateful.  And we are grateful.  (and sometimes we still forget.)

We wish we'd said something when we had the chance, and other times we wish we hadn't said it when we did.  People get sick and people get well; some don't.  Fear is sold on the news and there is plenty to go around. 

We do laundry, we hang out with our family and friends, we procrastinate.  We can't get that stupid song out of our head.  We triumph, we fail, we let people go.  We rise to challenges and we hide our heads in the sand.  We get the mail, we pay the bills, we bitch about the price of gas.  We dream, we stretch, we take out the garbage, check email, laugh and cry.  We hug the people we love. 

Deadlines loom, deadlines pass, and new ones grow in their place.  The weather's gone crazy and the ice caps are melting.  We come home at the end of a long day and get into comfy clothes, light candles, listen to music, and have a glass of wine.  We wrestle our demons, we wrestle each other.  (sometimes that wrestling stuff is fun.) 

We choose, we second guess, we choose some more, we plow forward hopefully.  We dance with the unknown even if we don't ever think about it.

Tomorrow the calendar flips and it will say 2007 but nothing else is really different.  Still, there's much to celebrate: it's the same world ... and never the same river twice. 

(happy new year)